The first part is fuzzy.. as it is most mornings. Suffice it to say I arrived at work in Manhattan after leaving my home in Queens.. the rest is a mystery to me.

First things first... start consuming Peach Snapple(tm)and the somewhat fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut. Bad for diabetics, I know, but nothing a little insulin won't cure.

Then on to e-mail. 27 new messages in the ol' InBox. So be it...
After half an hour I see that 492 of them are exciting, life changing opportunities to either increase the size of my... you know... or buy Viagra, or who I can date, or have a free stomach-stapling, or reduce the painful sonics that harm my precious ears everyday, or one of several hundred things that will somehow make me a better (or at least more sexually bionic) person. It's enough to give anyone a complex. What's so wrong with me that needs fixing?

(Close friends, insert your barbs and jabs here)

Half an hour into my workday now... and here comes the worst part of it. Time to unsubscribe to ALL of these exciting new "opportunities". This effectively takes another half hour of my time. Sure, some of the companies make it easy.. you just click a button and you're launched to their website and immediately unsubscribed. Simple.

But then there are the rest of them... the ones that insist you e-mail them back and type in REMOVE in the subject. Already I'm starting to get pissed because now they're causing me more work than I'm normally comfortable with. But I do it... Why? Because if I don't, I know that everyday for the rest of my employment, I will have to see a new message from them in my InBox, so I MUST stop the madness now!

And another thing (since I seem to be on a junk mail rant)... why do those website unsubscribes almost always have the message "Thanks for unsubscribing! Please allow (24 hours, 72 hours, 3-5 business days, 4-6 months)before the change will be fully in effect"?
Obviously it too them a nano-second to suck my name into their advertising database the one day I e-bayed that four-pack of Iron Chef cooking sauces. Have we not invented the technology yet to unsubscribe someone just as fast? Is there some law of Time & Space that will be violated if they try to? If there is, violate it! Better yet, why not make it so I am unsubscribed even before I'm secretly subscribed and save us both some work.

But I know why they say 3-5 days... somewhere out there, another human has promised some their client that their ads will be seen over a period equal to that time, and rather than realizing that I'll NEVER EVER buy their product, that advertiser thinks "Great! I'm helping out humanity with my wondrous new penis enlarging techniques!".

I will continue to Unsubscribe with an almost religious ferocity, and with each passing day, a new wave of crap will wash over my Outlook. And thus the vicious cycle begins anew...